Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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