You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
