i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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