So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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