Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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