FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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