My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
