this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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