I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
