So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
