Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize