After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize