im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
