This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
