There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
try to milk me bitch
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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