1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
