if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
