So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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