I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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