Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I love having hate sex.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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