i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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