I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
