you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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