she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
