Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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