Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
