i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
His nipple licking is glorious
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