You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
