sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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