you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
