My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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