You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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