This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
