Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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