i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
should my penis look like a turkey
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
