Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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