Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
