Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
