Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
