winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
