Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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