so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
