I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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