My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
