I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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