And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
