mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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