You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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