I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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