So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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