How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
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