i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
