I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I didn't shave. On purpose
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I touched a dick in church today
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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