Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
