I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
