1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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