I will die if light touches me.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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