She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
