WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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