Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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