dude i'm inner monologue high
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
