It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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